Celebrating Father’s Day without classic Fathers Day jokes is impossible. Dad jokes, they’re the best. Happy fathers day to all the best dads in the world.
Fathers Day Jokes For Kids And Adults
A boy comes over to his girlfriend’s house so he could take her out to a dance. There he meets her father for the first time. As the girlfriend gets ready, the boy nervously takes a seat in the living room with the father. No words are spoken as the boy waits, clearly intimidated by the older man. Finally, the father breaks the silence.
“You know my daughter, she loves to screw.”
The boy couldn’t believe his ears. “Come again sir?”
“Yeah, she loves to screw. She tells me all the time. You two should do that tonight. It’s her favorite!”
“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”
“Sure! She can screw all night long, that girl.”
The boy, now excited, waited anxiously until his girlfriend was ready and took her to the dance with this new information at hand. The father even gives him a little wink as the couple leaves the house. The boy couldn’t be happier.
A few hours later, however, the daughter comes barreling home with tears streaming her face. The boy is running behind her with a visible red mark of a hand across his face. They get to the father and the daughter screams:
“It’s called the TWIST dad! The fucking TWIST!”
Clever Old Man
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son, calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls her father immediately and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “They’re both coming for Passover and paying their airfares.”
A Proud Father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
“Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something.”
“Dad you don’t mea-”
“Yes, I do. You’ve earned it.” Says the father as he passes a copy of ‘1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition’ to the son.
“Dad I don’t know what to say…I’m honored.”
“Hi honored,” Replies the father. “I’m dad.”
It’s My Turn
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
“That was a honey bee,” his father said,”one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week.”
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. “That was a butterfly,” his father said, “one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.”
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her or should I”?
A Jewish guy asks his father for $20.
His father replied, “ten dollars? what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
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