Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

Best Lawyer Jokes Dirty And Clean

The collection of best lawyer jokes dirty and clean. In real life, lawyers are not very funny but there are lots of jokes about lawyers. We have compiled best jokes that will sure amuse your lawyer friends.

Three Kick Rule

A major city lawyer went duck chasing in provincial Tennessee. He shot a bird which fell into a farmer’s field on the opposite side of a wall. As the lawyer moved over the wall, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer reacted, “I shot a duck, and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to recover it.”

The farmer answered, “This is my property, and you are not advancing here.”

The angry lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in the United States and, if you don’t give me a chance to get that duck, I’ll sue you and take all that you claim.

The old farmer grinned and said, “Evidently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle little contradictions like this; with the “Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

The Farmer answered, “Well since the dispute happens on my territory, I get the opportunity to go first. I kick you three times and after that you kick me three times thus on forward and backward until somebody surrenders.”

The lawyer rapidly considered the proposed challenge and concluded that he could undoubtedly take the old farmer. He consented to comply with the nearby custom.

The old rancher gradually moved down from the tractor and strolled up to the lawyer.

The old farmer first kick with his steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped to his knees.

The second time, farmer kicked him in the midriff sent the lawyer’s last feast spouting from his mouth.

When the farmers’ third kick to his backside, the lawyer was on hands and knees sent him confront first into a new cow pie.

The lawyer summoned all of his wills and figured out how to stand up on his feet.

Wiping and cleaning his face with the arm of his coat, he said, “Alright, you old fart. Presently it’s my turn.”

The old rancher grinned and said, “Nah, I surrender. You can have the duck.

Clever Blonde

A blonde and a lawyer were sitting together on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer inquires as to whether she might want to play a game. The blonde, rejects, simply needs to sleep, considerately decays and moves over to the window to get some sleep.

The lawyer continues and clarifies that the game is simple and a considerable measure of fun. He clarifies, “I make an inquiry, and if you don’t have the foggiest idea about the answer, you pay me $5.00.”

Once more, she decreases and tries to get some rest.

The lawyer, now disturbed, says, “Alright, if you don’t have a clue about the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t have the foggiest idea about the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This gets the blonde’s consideration and, figuring there will be no limit to this torment unless she plays, consents to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

“How much distance is from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t let out the slightest peep, ventures into her tote, hauls out a $5.00 bill and hands
it to the legal counselor.

“Alright,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What runs up a hill with three legs and catches four legs?”

The lawyer, perplexed, takes out his portable workstation phone seeks every one of his references, no answer. He takes advantage of the air telephone with his modem and quests the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Baffled, he sends an email to everyone of his companions and collaborators, without much of any result. Following 60 minutes, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you”, and swings back to get some more rest.

The lawyer, who is all around miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word the blonde shrugs, ventures into her bag, hands the lawyer $5.00, and get back to sleep again.

The Challenge

A biker strolls into a yuppie bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes!”
He glances around, clearly seeking a challenge.
At last a fellow comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.”
The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” “No, I’m an asshole.”

Time To Get Screwed

Attorney And The Virgin

A lawyer wedded a lady who had already separated ten spouses.

On their wedding night, she advised her new spouse, “Please try to remain delicate, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the astounded husband to be, “How might that be since you’ve been hitched ten times?”

She replies “Husband #1 was a business delegate, he continued letting me know how extraordinary it would be.

Spouse #2 was in programming administrations; he was never truly beyond any doubt how it should function. However, he said he’d investigate it and get back to me.

Spouse #3 was from field administrations; he said everything looked at analytically however he just couldn’t get the framework up.

Spouse #4 was in telemarketing, despite the fact that he knew he had the request, he didn’t know when he would have the capacity to convey.

Spouse #5 was an architect, he comprehended the fundamental process yet needed three years to research, actualize, and plan another condition of the craftsmanship strategy.

Spouse #6 was from account and organization; he thought he knew how, yet he wasn’t certain whether it was his occupation or not.

Spouse #7 was in promoting, despite the fact that he had a decent item; he was never certain how to position it.

Spouse #8 was a therapist, all he ever did discuss it.

Spouse #9 was a gynecologist, whatever he did was take a gander at it.

Spouse #10 was a stamp authority, all he ever did was. God! I miss him! In any case, now that I’ve hitched you, I’m truly energized!”

“Great,” said the new spouse, “in any case, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

The Most Intelligent Man Alive

A doctor, a lawyer, a minister, and a little kid all riding the same private plane to New York. Out of the blue the pilot comes running out, as says: The plane simply lost both motors, we’re going down. He gets a parachute sack and bounced out the plane.

The doctor grabs a pack stands up says “Well I heal people in this way, I must live” and he continues to hop out of the plane.

The lawyersnatches a pack stands up says, “I’m the most intelligent man alive, so I must live”, and he continues to hop out of the plane.

At the end only parachute left, so the minister takes a gander at the little kid and says, “child, I’ve carried on with a long life, feel free to, take that parachute, and live long and solid life.

The kid says to the minister; that is alright, we both can live since the “most intelligent man alive” simply got my schoolbag.

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